i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
