Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
