You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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