You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
