Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
