i just wanna soil my oats bro
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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