Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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