i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
