when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
