the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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