If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
