he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
