seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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