you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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