it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
