I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
