What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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