how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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