Sponge bath it is.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
