you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
