OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
