I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
