seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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