As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
