my phone needs a breathalizer
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
