in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
