i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
