I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
