no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
