she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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