got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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