you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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