I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
