I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
