He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
