Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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