i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
