He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
