i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I want a musical about memes.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
