the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
