so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
