I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
