Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You're like the curious george of whores
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
