so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
