I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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