Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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