When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
