my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just pee around me
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
