I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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