then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
